How has it been two years since I held my baby boys in my arms?
There are so many things I could write, but in the end, all it comes down to is that I want my babies here with me. In my arms. My heart aches for my two little boys. We can fill our lives with new memories and new joy, but that ache remains – I want my babies here in my arms and it can never be, and there is nothing in my heart that can make it right. It is difficult to make peace with that.Our perfectly healthy little boys, with their beautiful tiny fingers and toes. I remember how sweet and small they were. How we could pick out our own features in their faces. William moved as I held him. He held on for as long as he could. We are so thankful we got to spend time with him whilst he was alive.
William and Noah would have been two years old today. I don’t know what they’d look like, or what their individual personalities would be – whether they would be shy or rambunctious or outgoing. I will never hear the sweet sound of their laughter, or how their faces would light up when they smiled. I will never witness their special twin bond, and the unique relationship that would have blossomed between them. Two lives that never got to live. A lifetime of smiles and giggles and tears and tantrums and cuddles and kisses, and first kisses and first days of school and first loves, all erased in a moment.
They changed our lives forever. If I could, I would go back in time. I would endure the sickness, the uncertainty and the worry all over again. I would go through all the scans and the hospital stays and the invasive medical procedures. I would be given the devastating news, the false hope, then no hope at all, all over again. I would struggle through the labour, knowing all the while that their birth would mean their death. I would do it all, just to feel them move again, just to see their faces again, just to hold them in my arms again. Even just for a moment.If I could, I would do it all over again, so I could experience that raw, beautiful love that they gave me all over again. I would always choose them.
I wish I had something helpful to say, but instead I will send you a big hug. No words can describe how you must feel. All the best to you. X
A beautiful tribute. I'm mum to a ten month old and reading your posts always reminds me to cherish every day with my baby girl, no matter how challenging / tiring / frustrating the days sometimes are x
I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
My son was stillborn at 41 weeks 12 years ago. I don't think that trip to the cemetery gets any easier I'm afraid, we just never stop wanting our babies. It's a grief that clings to us.
I have been blessed with two beautiful daughters aged 7 and 2. The grief may never go away but it is possible to live and be happy.
Wishing you the best of luck on your journey. Xx
What a lovely but sad post, we would always choose our babies Xx
My heart breaks for you over and over again each time I'm reminded of William and Noah and all you've been through. Such sweet sorrow. My thoughts are with you x
Beautiful post. I´m sorry for your loss.
Oh Amy! 🙁
I wish you all the love and joy… Loveliest and warmest love to Henry.. <3
My prayers are for you
I keep writing sentences and then deleting them….I'm finding it difficult to put into words how sorry I am for your loss but I can't ignore what I've just read. I'm not clever with words or poetic….but I can promise you my thoughts are with you Amy. Xx
I don't really know what to say but this is a beautifully written tribute to Noah and William.
I wish you all the happiness for your future with Henry <3
All the best,
Claudia xx
Oh Amy what a beautifully raw and honest post. I am sat here with tears in my eyes. The last paragraph especially really touched me. Thinking of you. x
Hang on there, Amy. Pain will propably never go away… Honestly I don't know if there are any comfort words for a mom who lost her child, I'm a mom and I cant imagine any conford word that will do any good for me puting my self to yours and Matt's. You know… they can feel the love you have for them through their brother, Henry.
You're both doing so well Amy. It's absolutely heartbreaking to read your posts about William and Noah, it' just so terribly, terribly sad. But beautiful at the same time. You are often in my thoughts xx