Coping with Grief During Pregnancy

This is the second time I’ve dealt with grief during pregnancy; the first, I was grieving the very recent and raw loss of my twin sons, and now, the death of my mother. Two hugely significant relationships that have been lost, in the midst of new life. Keeping going when your world is falling apart is always tough, but doing so when pregnant can seem overwhelming. The elevated hormone levels and physical changes in your body that come with pregnancy can make it so much harder to deal with significant life events. How can you process the loss while also feeling excitement about your growing baby?

My mum died when I was 11 weeks pregnant; two weeks after I had a huge bleed – a subchorionic haemorrhage – that threatened the life growing inside me. Dealing with the death of my mum and the potential loss of another baby, just weeks after the 5 year anniversary of William and Noah’s death… it was an overwhelmingly difficult time to say the least.

Navigating grief whilst pregnant can be difficult. I take each day as it comes. I find joy in small moments. I make space for the pain, as well as joy. The two opposites, tangled up together, existing simultaneously.

It is a lonely journey, a difficult one, but not one I am unacquainted with. No matter how hard, how arduous, I know I can make it through these painful times. I have done it before and I’ll keep making small steps. For those of you who are also experiencing grief during pregnancy, here are some ways to navigate the difficulties…

Seek Support 

Support comes in many different ways. A friend or family member, a therapist, an online or in-person support group, or even hired help around the home.

During your pregnancy, try to surround yourself with people who respect and understand your grief, and distance yourself from those who don’t. Some friends and family may expect you to focus more on your pregnancy, but you get to do both and on your terms.

Ask for assistance when you need it, and accept it when offered. We were lucky to have friends who provided us with meals once we were back in the USA, and wonderful teachers at Henry and Everly’s preschool who were always checking in with us and showing us love. Accept that you cannot do it all, and step back from household duties if possible, at least for a short time. Focus your attention on remaining healthy for both you and your baby.

Set up a support system for after the baby comes. We’re considering hiring a postpartum doula for after the birth of this baby. We were fortunate enough to have my parents with us for a few weeks after Everly was born, and having that motherly presence is always reassuring during a delicate transition in a families life. 

Pregnancy after the loss of a baby is a particular unique and difficult time, and it can be extremely isolating. Personally, I sought support through online groups of women who were on the same journey as me. It brought me great comfort and reassurance, which then helped me navigate grief during a subsequent pregnancy, when few people ‘in real life’ understood what I was going through. 

Keep On Grieving

Recognize grief for what it is. It’s not ‘feeling sorry for yourself;’ it’s the normal and natural emotional reaction to a loss. Familiarise yourself with the stages of grief and accept where you are in the process. Remember that the stages of grief are not linear, and you may move forwards and backwards as you heal.

Allow yourself to grieve. Grant yourself permission to mourn, to cry, to remember the person you are saying goodbye to. Take time alone if needed, and don’t be too hard on yourself if you aren’t capable of doing everything you normally would. Accept the pain. Don’t fight it. Know it won’t go away, but it will get softer over time.

Don’t expect joy to negate pain. Grief doesn’t stop when something good happens, and the joy of carrying a baby doesn’t stop the pain of losing someone you love. It seems so obvious, but it can be hard for some people to understand. When I was pregnant with Henry, we were asked, “you’re still sad even though you’re pregnant again?” Well, yes. Two of my children died. Nothing can ever erase that pain. Even without grief, pregnancy hormones can trigger huge mood swings. It’s okay if some days you can’t muster up any happiness for your pregnancy; grieving is hard work but it helps towards healing.

Find Your Release

Grief shouldn’t be stifled. Physical and mental releases help process the emotions.  Physically – exercise can be an amazing release and releases endorphins. Allow yourself to cry when you feel the sting of tears – don’t suppress the emotions. Disappointment, sadness and grief all manifest through tears, and it is the ultimate release. Laugh if the moment strikes, and try not to bottle up your feelings. 

Mentally, I have always found writing to be a cathartic experience. When the thoughts come, I jot them down in my notes on my iPhone. Some I plan as blog posts, yet they remain in draft form, having served their purpose of alleviating me of my thoughts.

Another way I process my grief is through Project Life. Documenting our visits to England, our moments with my mum and the journey of her cancer has allowed me to reminisce and take time to savour the time we spent with her before she died, and it creates a lasting legacy to show the children.

Parting Words

When the baby arrives, your grief will not stop. It is an ongoing process, so don’t expect yourself to “get back to normal.” In time, you will find a new normal, but your grief will always be a part of your life, although it gets softer and manageable over the years.

Having a new baby is all consuming, and for a while, you’ll be in survival mode. You may go days or weeks without grieving, or you may grieve even more fiercely. It’s ok to compartmentalise your grief temporarily, but check in with it when you can, and set aside time to remember and reflect on your thoughts and feelings.

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