Death is always a delicate subject, for both adults and children, and even more so when trying to explain the abstract concept of baby loss to a toddler or young child. When William and Noah died almost 5 years ago, we knew that if we had any subsequent children, we’d talk openly with them about their brothers. They would know their story, their place in our family. Henry grew up seeing…
Coping with Trauma Anniversary Reaction
These days, I know to expect it. As the end of August nears, the panic rises, the night sweats begin. I wake up in the darkness to the cries of my daughter, and discover I am soaked, my chest slick with sweat. The days bring a heavy melancholy, a sadness I can’t quite place, and the tears, always on the precipice, come easily. As September arrives and the promise of…
How to Overcome A Traumatic Birth Experience
Traumatic birth experiences. As if childbirth isn’t emotionally and physically difficult enough as it is, there’s those who will have a birth experience that will leave them traumatised, and possibly with PTSD. I’ve been unfortunate in that all three of my birth experiences have been traumatic – enduring 12 hours of labour with William and Noah, knowing that they would die soon after their birth; the anxiety during Henry’s labour…
When Mother’s Day Is Painful
Mother’s Day is a worthy holiday, a chance to celebrate the women who have loved us and nurtured us. A day to show extra appreciation for the women who are our mother’s – whether through birth, adoption, marriage or fostering. But it can also be a painful day to face for many people – the person who is desperately missing their mother who is no longer with them, the…
The Brothers He’ll Never Know
Henry has always loved photographs. He regularly flips through his Project Life Album, a catalogue of his favourite people, his face lighting up as he sees mama and dada, granny and grandad. He likes to lead me around the house, pointing to the photo frames dotted around. And then he points to their photo, and I hear myself say, ‘That’s William and Noah. They’re your brothers,’ and the words sting…
Lessons Learned Through Grief
It has been more than two years since we said goodbye to our little boys. In some ways it feels so recent that it seems unfathomable that years have passed, yet at the same time so very distant, in the way that I barely recognise the person I was before they died. I feel as though I’ve aged and learned so much in these past few years. Grief has taught…
For William and Noah
Two years. How has it been two years since I held my baby boys in my arms? It has been two years and the journey to the cemetery has become no easier. Going there always brings the familiar sting of tears, along with the sad reality that this is the place where we go to see our sons. A place for parents and grandparents that have lived a long and…
Baby Loss Awareness Week
Each year, the 9th-15th October marks Baby Loss Awareness Week, where throughout the week bereaved parents, family members and friends can commemorate the loss of all the babies who were taken too soon, knowing that thousands of other families elsewhere in the world will be doing the same. Whilst it is widely known that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, less people are aware of how common stillbirth and neonatal…
Saying Goodbye
“Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved” – Iris Murdoch William and Noah are never far from my mind. Their presence lingers with me always. I carry them in my heart, an integral part of my being. In the first year after their death, grief overwhelmed me and I embraced it, knowing that I needed to feel the intensity of the pain to help me towards healing. But since…
One Year
Today we celebrated William and Noah’s birthday. One year since we became parents for the first time, and held our sons for the last time. This year has been a hard one, one that we never imagined we would be living. There are so many things we have missed. Watching them grow, hearing them laugh, having their fingers wrapped around ours. Being able to cuddle them. We only had a…
Life Lately
Just over one week to go until my due date. Everyone is excited. We’re excited. We can’t help but imagine the moment we will get to see and hold our baby. We can’t help but imagine what it might be like to return home as three instead of two. What it would be like to feed, to cuddle, to bathe, and talk to our baby.But it is impossible to picture all this and not think about…
Six Years
A year ago today, on our five year anniversary, Matt and I were given the best gift we could ever wish for – a positive pregnancy test. As we laughed and embraced, I shed tears of happiness at the thought of raising a child with my best friend. We’d pictured that in a year’s time we would be a family. And we are, although in a way we never imagined. We…
